Prime Meets Bath
by Starimus
Summary: Age of Extinction/Starverse AU. T for light violence and brief conversation involving the topic of dopamine. Also, drama! In which Optimus is a lazy, near-overheated mech and Cade thinks he could use a hose down. Because, come on. Summer is hot as Pit in Texas.


**A/N**

 **Age of Extinction AU, where there was no reason for Prime to leave (or yet, I guess), and he and the other 'Bots live with the Yeagers (and occasionally Shane).**

 **I'm sure the title is very self-explanatory.**

 **Warning, brief lesson on the Cybertronian mind's pleasure/reward system (I call it "dopamine" for humans, not "dope"). Don't like, skip the eight paragraphs after "With the exception...for us."**

 **Anyways, hope you really enjoy this, it was SO much fun to write!**

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 **Prime Meets Bath**

Cybertron never had a "summer" season, like many planets did, or ever got close enough to it's star to acquire temperature levels hot enough to compete.

Earth was one of those other planets, one that orbited the sun in a way that for a few months every year, virtually everywhere was noticeably warmer than usual.

It didn't help that they were staying in Texas, on a farm-like establishment with no air conditioning accessible to the giant beings.

There is very little shade, and thus, naturally, the Autobots fight over it, though said fights are very weak and consist mainly of growling and stepping into one another's fields.

The Prime always makes sure Bumblebee gets whatever spot he's after, within reason. However, the scout is prepared to move for anyone who asks.

Hound, as the third largest (and he certainly is), can usually manage to land anywhere he wants, as long as it's empty or occupied by a smaller 'Bot. He, unfortunately, has the habit of taking up more shade than he needs, so when a larger 'Bot makes him move, it results in almost everyone moving.

Crosshairs, though smaller, acts like he's just as big as Hound, and can usually rob the shade from Drift.

Drift doesn't like giving up his spot, but as long as there's another empty one, he won't put up a fight.

Stargazer, as the most feared in the group, gets whatever spot she walks towards, even if she actually doesn't use it. All they know is that she might, and they don't want to get in her way, as her temper just gets worse in such heat. She even makes the Prime flee and find a smaller amount of shade somewhere nearby.

As for Optimus himself, him being the largest means he accumulates the most internal heat, even when standing still. He's always the first one to be doing nothing in the morning, and usually maintains the largest amount of shade available unless Stargazer appears next to him.

The most constant "fights" occur between Drift and Hound, as the aforementioned habits paired with the "pecking order" do not exactly make for perfect scenarios.

But the days are summarized by "find shade, recharge, fight, find other shade, recharge." No talking, no moving around unless for shade, no training, and certainly no transforming just because one wants to.

These, among others, are the things he finds himself observing, seeing how there is virtually nothing else he can do.

Who could have guessed, the great and mighty Optimus Prime would spend his solar cycles lying around in the shade, attempting to escape the heat of a star. Somehow, this actually managed to become humorous to the 'Bots, including him.

Come to think of it, it's temperatures such as these that make him really realize how versatile their human allies are. When he isn't recharging, he finds himself watching the family they reside with, namely Cade and Tessa Yeager, and occasionally one Shane Dyson.

While the Autobots stretch themselves out under trees or by the side of the barn or house opposite the sun, trying to expel excess heat, the humans remain constantly active. Cade, for whatever odd reason, enjoys working on his inventions outside the barn. Tessa will sit on the porch on the front of the house when she returns from school to do her homework, sometimes sitting in the shade and other times sitting in the sun.

When Shane comes around, the three of them usually head inside, leaving the rest outside to suffer while they acquire access to an air conditioner.

Suffer.

It's such a strong word, and he admits to himself that yes, he is exaggerating, but the humans do not understand what it is like for them.

Since Cybertron had no temperatures like Earth does, their frames were not designed to absorb so much heat, nor were their cooling systems designed to expel it. This is why he, as the largest, finds a place he knows will remain cool for the majority of the solar cycle, and sprawls himself on his back before the sun even begins to light the sky.

Here he remains, recharging until he hears the others getting up, which is usually announced by swears and the loud sounds of metal on metal as the battle for shade begins.

Of course, such squabbles are exactly why once the others are up, he cannot manage more than a couple breems of recharge at a time. This is why, at this moment, he processes.

On his front, servos and legs splayed out, and his helm tilted to put one earpiece and half of his faceplates against the damp, somewhat cool grass, he smiles slightly when he processes how funny the others would think he is. In all honesty, this is what any mechanoid would do if it meant they could avoid overheating.

What he would give to have something cool spread over him, like a breeze, for Primus' sake.

He never thought such a languid mental comment would ever be answered so quickly. But he's momentarily terrified when something cold comes into contact with his back. It's only for a klick, but it's sudden enough that his battle computer nearly activates itself as he pushes himself off the ground, hand reaching over to where he put his sword on the ground and wrapping tightly around the handle. He halts himself and puts the sword back down when he sees who it is.

"Sorry. I thought this might help."

"Cade, what are you doing?"

He's standing there, holding a water hose in one hand.

"Lying around all day can't be good for you. I thought maybe..."

Optimus watches as he smirks and raises the hose towards him, catching on but not entirely. He doesn't expect the power the spray handle puts out, and he certainly doesn't expect to be sprayed in the face. He flinches and looks at Cade with wide optics, startled worse than before.

"You are asking for trouble, Cade."

"Yeah. What're you gonna do about it?"

Another spray to the faceplates and he's abandoned the shade to chase Cade around the area between the barn and the house. Granted, size is an unfair advantage, but the human proves to be faster in turning, ducking, and running the opposite direction, all the while keeping the steady stream of water mostly on the 'Bot.

It's a very refreshing experience, and it occurs to him that, as he's running around with the human sprinkler, occasionally slipping on wet grass or mud, this must be what a shower feels like.

Eventually, it's the Yeager's turn to slip, and he falls. Optimus leans down to him and emits a low, rumbling purr, an "Are you alright?" sort of chuckle in Cybertronian communication. He's stunned when Cade flips over, spraying him again so he stumbles away.

"How rude of you, Cade."

"You make it so easy!"

He would have been concerned by Cade's coughing had it not been followed by laughter as he leans down again, this time kneeling to pin him with one hand. Cade's arm is trapped between two of the mech's fingers, but he's still able to spray him.

"Hey! Get off me, you Old Wreck!"

"Will you give me a proper wash?"

"Um... Sure. Why not? It's not like you have anything better to do."

"I could activate my holoform and steal that hose from you."

He releases his grip on the handle and it stops, making the Prime realize how much it had been helping.

Optimus lifts his hand off the human and moves over to the side of the barn before transforming. Cade stands up, walks over, and looks him over.

"How am I gonna reach all of you?"

"I do not require any cleaning agents, but you need not be gentle. I only require a couple of breems of being sprayed with cold water."

"How long is that?"

"Approximately ten minutes."

"Just ten?"

"We cool off just as fast as we collect heat, but I do require some help in heat such as this."

"If you say so."

He turns the spray back on, making sure to aim at the ground first this time, and starts with his rims, rising to over his undercarriage as he walks around the entirety of the mech's alt. mode. He slows down when he comes around the front, introducing the water to his grill a bit more respectfully. The moment he starts to roll back, Cade shuts off the water.

"My apologies. I have failed to mention my grill is very sensitive."

"Should I move somewhere else?"

"If you would prefer. I will not mind."

So he moves back the way he came, if only to avoid wrapping the hose around the giant truck.

"So…how long's it been since you had a bath?"

"It has been quite some time, but we do not require nearly as much cleaning as humans do."

"You ever do it just so you look better?"

"We do take great care and pride in our grooming efforts, much like human females. However, we only require such grooming approximately twice an Earth month."

"Well, you'd be one of the only couple of guys I know who actually like making themselves look nice. Is your whole race like that?"

"With the exception of a certain few, yes. Being groomed, whether by oneself or another, is a very pleasant sensation for us."

"Like, dopamine-inducing pleasant?"

"Something like that. Although we do not possess exactly what humans simply call 'dopamine,' our systems are capable of producing a very advanced version of dihydroxyphenyl ethylamine."

"And what's that feel like?"

"That depends on the sensations. As of now, which feels much like a standard self-grooming, I feel quite...blissed out, as you would say."

"Really? You don't sound like it."

"I have had much practice in controlling my vocalizer."

"So would that 'advanced dopamine' or whatever happen to the main reason you all like this so much?"

"Only when one is under a certain age. Once we reach full maturity, being well-groomed greatly increases our chances of attracting a potential mate. It is a much more important factor."

"Well, that's understandable."

They're both silent for the remainder of the time, until Cade notices the quiet humming emitted from under the Prime's massive hood, in which case he smiles, giving one of the bars of his grill an ever so gentle tapping.

"Am I puttin' you to sleep, big guy?"

His engine rumbles a slight bit louder, unbelievably gentle for such an enormous living being.

"Negative, Cade. Purring is one of the ways we verbalize our gratitude."

"Oh. Well, anytime. Except constantly. I'm the one paying for this water. I just let you crazy robots play with it."

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 **I know, not the _best_ ending, but there will be another one of these. Eventually... I just hope this was as entertaining for you to read as it was for me to write.**

 **Review and let me know what you think! Constructive criticism always appreciated!**


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